A Letter To Myself…and Fellow Recovering People Pleasers

I used to apologize for everything. My literal existence and just being myself. My friends would constantly tell me to stop saying sorry. It was honestly really depressing. I wondered…Why am I like this?

I came 11/12 years after my siblings and was completely unplanned. My mom didn’t want another baby and begrudgingly went through with it because some fortune teller told her it would be in her best interest to have me. To say I was unwanted is not an exaggeration. She had actually said those words to me more than once: “I wish I didn’t have you”. 

Hearing something like this so young really left a traumatic imprint on my heart. [Trauma is anything that you did not have the resources to process at the time of the event. A part of us gets fragmented, saved in the background and is relegated to the shadow (the disowned/repressed/denied self). It does not have to be from going to war, getting raped, etc. although those definitely count as big T trauma. Some of these traumas we experience in childhood are deeply emotional, subtle and insidious, it’s much harder to heal than the obvious ones humans tend to experience. Generational trauma is very real.]

Of course, my higher/wiser self knows she didn’t actually mean it and she loves me. But the truth is, I was deeply scarred and hurt by my parents. I didn't get my needs met by them. They were always angry and fighting, on the verge of divorce, and it was a toxic environment to grow up in. I always felt like everything was my fault. This was another aspect of the trauma I chronically experienced. So many of us grow up in dysfunctional homes. Every one of us is traumatized, in one way or another, and having that awareness supports us to be kind to ourselves and everyone else. We’re all figuring this out human thing the best way we can, with the tools we have.

So for me, my narrative stemmed from the core belief that I was unwanted and unworthy. I used to tell everyone growing up, and believed to my core, that I was a mistake. I truly felt like a burden and that I didn't belong. I felt I had to fit a certain mold in order to be loved and experienced what felt like conditional love — my mom was happy when I was her definition of “good” and so I believed: “if I am good, I will be loved and accepted.” I wanted her, and everyone in the family, to be happy/pleased and felt responsible for making that happen. 

As humans, our most basic needs are love and connection. I had to survive by merging with the needs/whims of caregivers. All the while, suppressing my own needs and emotions (anger was a big one) and sacrificing my own boundaries to be loved. This formed a large chunk of my identity and deep-rooted people pleasing tendencies. Over-responsibility. Unhealthy empathy and codependency. 

To all my fellow recovering people pleasers who can relate to this, I see you. I truly understand how hard and seemingly impossible it feels to break these patterns. Please don’t despair. Ask for support. Deep healing occurs when we look at these traumas and imprinting with loving awareness and compassionately process the pain you couldn’t at the time.

When we become aware, we can identify how our actions, feelings and thoughts contribute to this identity structure and take steps to change it — without blaming, beating ourselves up, victimizing, or shaming — we just get to choose differently. Give ourselves what we need. We can take our power (choice) back. It takes a massive amount of self-awareness, commitment, and honestly, professional/communal support in doing this deep inner work. It’s not easy. But it’s 100% worth it.  

Only we can re-parent and heal ourselves. To call all parts of ourselves back to ourselves and become whole again. We cannot expect anyone to do it for us. We cannot put it on our partner / family / friends and think they will make us whole. We must become whole ourselves, building a solid relationship with ourselves, first.

You can do so by observation and self-inquiry. There is a healing modality called Somatic Experiencing that works wonders for trauma healing. It’s with a practitioner, but you can also practice with yourself. It’s crucial that you integrate by implementing and applying what you are learning about yourself, otherwise, nothing changes. You’re mentally processing constantly but you don’t see results.

So, the next time you get triggered, (you will feel a charge), feel the urge to react the way you usually do... pause... and do nothing for as long as possible. Breathe. Just notice. Watch the way your mind/ego goes off and tells you what you should be doing to be a good person, or what a terrible person you are. Whatever the narrative or negative self-talk is, just be aware. Feel the discomfort, the tension, the activation. Come back to yourself by feeling your bodily sensations. Come back to your heart. Try not to feed into the thoughts. Let it lose its charge by feeling into a resource, something in your body that does feel safe.

This work is highly nuanced, and there are situations in which the safest thing (based on your body’s intelligence) is to dissociate. Some situations require that you don’t feel the enormity of the emotions that you are storing within. Your body will guide you. It is conscious. I know now I couldn’t do this work without the support of healing practitioners. There are many tools and healing modalities that exist to support you in this process. Reach out for support, you are not alone. 

If you are able to regulate yourself…and you feel safe to process: Ask yourself, how do I feel? Why? What is my body communicating? What would someone who loves themselves do? What do I need right now? Do that for yourself. It will take practice. A bunch of trial and error…but you owe it to yourself to try. 

This integration process is, in my opinion, the most important part of the healing process, and we all need support with this. Journaling and sharing in a safe space is a deeply healing integration tool that I highly recommend. 

If I can heal from my trauma, you can too. It’s a never-ending process, but please know: You are capable of healing. You can feel whole and deeply worthy. You can neurologically rewire your brain and create new neural pathways. You can change your mind. It’s an actual science, but it can feel like a miracle. Your soul will always move you towards the direction of healing and wholeness, which is why we get triggered and we attract situations/relationships that will mirror the ways we are fragmented so we can heal. 

You have the power to become the player of this game. The one with the controller, not the one being played unconsciously.

Keep going, you got this.

Love,
Eya